What to Expect… SPLATOON!


Welcome to my new series called “What to Expect…” In this series I will give you a quick synopsis of what to expect, with occasional visual aides, in a straight to the point fashion. If you have any ideas for a future “What to expect…” shoot me an email at mtlovett@gmail.com

Today’s edition of “What to Expect…” revolves around Splatoon. Splatoon is an online FPS or First-Person Splatter. It isn’t quite your everyday shooting game. The vast majority of the game involves teaming up with 3 other randomly assigned squid-kids and splashing, dripping, splatting, and occasionally raining down ink on the map. The players with the most ink on the ground wins! Here are the types of players to expect while hopping online.

Reformed COD Players

These guys obviously haven’t read the manual and are probably sneaking this deceptively fun game in while their kids are asleep. Their main objective is to run and gun opposed to splat and cover. You will know these guys immediately as they will leave little skinny trails everywhere as they could care less about the ground below. Kill, kill, kill is all they know. Initially they are helpful but in most matches you will find more wins go to the teams that are a bit less aggressive and focus on inking sections of the map.

 The Little Brother

You will be put in the midst of splattle with a much higher level than you only to find that they spend most of the time looking down or falling off the level. This is the “Little Brother”. Tell-tale signs involve high levels with no kills, leaving beakons at the base, under 400 points at the end of battle, and what will occasionally look like a mild seizure as they get used to the gesture controls. Show this little brother no mercy. They shouldn’t have signed on to this account anyways. Other similar variants involve the “Dad” or “Mom”.

Little Brother

“But your weapons are so much cooler than mine!”

The Bob Ross

Bob Ross was once a beloved painter who ran a tv show all about making beautiful scenery populated by the occasional happy cloud and fluffy bunny. The Bob Ross in Splatoon is generally a pacifist. He has no other concern than to avoid conflict and paint the world in his team color. “This bush over here would look great in a nice cyan. Oh yeah…perfect.” Beware, while the Bob Ross is a master of conflict avoidance, he normally has a full special meter by the time you find him. Don’t put Bobby in the corner or you will come face-to-face with the great Kraken!


The Rollzerker

These players have taken the most simple to use weapon and transcended into something godly. Usually accompanied by a Dynamo Roller, this Roller player somehow can move past fire of any type and take out entire teams in a swipe of the roller. They may be slow, but they are crafty beasts afraid of no mere squid-kid.



And they have the graphic I spent the longest on…


Japanese Lag Squad

If you are too young to remember The Matrix please take a break from this article and go watch it for a few hours…


You back? Good.


These guys exist on another plane of existence that would make Neo think twice about taking the red pill. They can take direct hits, get run over by rollers, and somehow kill you before they make a shot! I’m not saying that you will lose, but you most likely will lose (unless the Squid Roleplayers show up.)


Squid-Kid Roleplayers

This is one of the most disturbing groups of players that you will come across. I say “groups” because they rarely travel alone but rather in packs. These players tend to find a low travel corner of a map to simply hop up and down, from kid to squid, without a care in the world while a great, ink-sticken war is waging around them. They tend to come out late at night when the Land of the Rising sun is juuuuust waking up. I assume the look out their window, possibly at the nearby sea and think, “ I want to be a mother splatting squid today!”  Apparently Splatoon is the one place they can get their kicks by laying down a puddle of ink and frolicking all day. Generally these groups are harmless but do not attempt to attack their little Squidtopia. They normally have a sniper lookout and are very violent towards anyone that comes close to their perimeter. The best thing to do is disconnect from the room and join another squad as the Squid focused dysmorphia tends to infect new sets of players and you will find yourself alone wanting to actually play the game while everyone else is living happily in a sea of lies.

Squid-Kids 2

“Splat, splat, splat.”


That One Really, Really Good Sniper

Without a Body Snatcher you probably will not get very far in levels with any sort of sniper perch. You might as well wait until the next map rotation. Oh, what’s that? You don’t know what a Body Snatcher is?


The Body Snatcher

These guys lay in wait and move amongst the inky shadows. They have excelled in the art of Ninja Squid and will show up and take you down at any given time within a blink of an eye. They are also a great distraction for the ill-equipped sniper. If you look down at your map to assess where to go next and your partner suddenly disappears immediately run away and don’t…blink…

Body Snatcher

I told you not to blink!

Remember the Alamo”

Occasionally players will disconnect from your team. The problem is that once they leave…they never come back. This leads you into a situation similar to The Alamo. As your numbers dwindle you will find yourself sticking to your guns, drawing an ink line in the sand, and holding off the oncoming onslaught. You won’t win, but you sure as hell will go out splatting!


Last Second Ink Strike of DOOOM



And with that you should have a good idea of what to expect from Splatoon. I’d like to give a special thanks to Mattavelle7, SJ Martin, TheAmazingLSB, JuegosMajicos, Koenig, and many others for contributing or being the inspiration for this article!

We keep Travis in a cage, mostly so he doesn't hurt himself.