Mushroom Kingdom revokes Mario’s medical license after drug epidemic

Mario's medical license

The citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom can find peace at last. After a long bout with prescription drug abuse, the kingdom has brought the epidemic’s ringleader to face the music. The heated legal battle ended today as the Mushroom Kingdom ruled to revoke Mario’s medical license.

The epidemic

Mario opened his first clinic in 1990, helping the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom cure chills, fever, and weirdness. At first, citizens praised his altruism. Prior to this, there was no doctor in the kingdom. However, Mario quickly fell victim to greed. He tumbled down a slippery slope to the world of prescription drug abuse. Recent estimates show that, over the past year, Mario wrote over 50,000 prescriptions, despite only 10,000 people calling the kingdom home.

The downfall

Authorities had long held the suspicion that Mario was behind the uptick in drug use, but until recently they lacked the evidence to prove it. Strengthening their case was the testimony of Mario’s business partner, Wario, who cooperated with the investigation in exchange for a lesser sentence. The final nail in the coffin came from a damning photograph of a secret meeting with Wario that was captured by Special Agent Lakitu after staking out Mario’s clinic.

Mario's medical license
Mario’s accomplice, Wario

“It was nothing, really,” Lakitu recounted. “All I did was float there at the right moment. The next thing you know, the opportunity came knocking. Wario walked in and chatted with Mario for a bit. Then the two shook hands before Mario transferred a stack of prescriptions to Wario. After a hearty ‘Wah,’ Wario left the premises as quickly as he showed up. Mario’s medical license is now gone just as quickly. I’m no hero. Anyone could’ve been in that position.”

A historic day

Today’s verdict marks a historic occasion in the Mushroom Kingdom. Never before has such a prominent figure been found guilty of such a heinous crime. But at last, Mario’s grip on the kingdom’s citizens has ended.

“It’s an excellent day for the kingdom,” said Mushroom Kingdom’s Princess Peach, in response to today’s verdict. “For three decades, we have been held captive by a monster. Now we can finally begin to retake both our lives and our homes.”

In addition to Mario’s medical license being revoked, the former doctor faces up to 1,000 hours of community service. Currently, he plans to clean up a nearby island. Afterward, he’ll spend the rest of his time building new areas for visitors to play.

Note: This is a work of satire and not intended to be considered factual in any way.

Steven Rollins
Steven has been involved in video game reporting for over five years now. In his spare time, he can be found speedrunning, writing fanfiction, or watching as much anime as he possibly can.